


wonderful electric

by introductory



Series: strict machine [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Other, Technophilia, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2289389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/introductory/pseuds/introductory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So, you and JARVIS, huh?" says Tony, trying for casual.  "And to think it took you a week to master an iPod.  I mean, JARVIS is a real catch -- course he'd be, it runs in the family -- but I was sort of under the impression that your tastes ran more towards, uh -- "</p><p>"Organics," volunteers Bruce.</p><p>"<i>People</i>," says Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wonderful electric

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sufferingsappho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sufferingsappho/gifts).



> Originally written 2012 June 18. This is entirely [Danny](http://phantasmatical.tumblr.com)'s fault.

"So as I was saying earlier," Tony calls over his shoulder as Bruce and Fury trail him down the hall, the former enthusiastic and the latter decidedly less so, "I took the liberty of building a prototype -- no, I know you told me to work on the other thing first but I'm perfectly capable of multitasking unlike the majority of your agents, thank you very much -- "

"Get to the point, Stark."

Tony makes a face, says, "Um, that's what I'm trying to do, if you'd let me have the floor for just one minute -- " and launches into a detailed list of the specs before Fury can interrupt again. Bruce pipes up every now and then to corroborate, though Tony doesn't really need his moral support and it's really more of an engineering thing than a physics thing, but look, they're at lab number four, here we go, it's showtime.

"Presenting -- not to scale, of course," he says, gesturing proudly at the door, "the shiny new Stark Carrier!" 

The door is supposed to open. It _does_ exactly nothing. 

Fury looks even more unimpressed than usual.

"JARVIS!" Tony frowns. "JARVIS, open the door. Oh-h-h, this is embarrassing. _JARVIS!_ "

At least two seconds pass before JARVIS answers. «I'm afraid I cannot comply, sir,» he says, sounding -- breathless? Why the hell does he sound breathless? «If you wouldn't mind returning at a later time.»

Bruce makes an expression of mild concern. "He isn't going all like, Skynet in there, is he? You know, they start out so harmless, and then . . . "

"No, no, stop it," says Tony, "my AI is not building T-800s on the side, I'm sure there's a perfectly good -- JARVIS! Don't make me override you!"

«Mister Stark, I would vastly prefer it if you did not,» says JARVIS, and oh, something's _definitely_ rotten in the state of Manhattan for JARVIS to be using that tone of voice. «The failsafes will take considerable time to re-enable.»

"I enabled them to keep out _armed intruders,_ not me!" 

"They seem to be keeping you out pretty well anyway," says Bruce, laughing nervously. "That's great. I am so glad I let you convince me to move here."

Tony bangs his fist against the door. He's one-third irritated, one-third frustrated, and one-third just plain _confused,_ because JARVIS might be a brat sometimes but he's almost never purposely this obtuse unless he's hiding something, and he almost never hides anything because he almost never does anything _worth_ hiding,  unless --

"JARVIS, we've talked about this," says Tony, scowling directly at the hidden cameras. "No bringing your boyfriends past the firewall without permission!" 

Fury gives Tony a look like he's talking complete bullshit, but Tony's seen the logs; he knows exactly what went on during JARVIS's fling with Deep Blue back in the day and IBM's Watson in more recent years and honestly, there are some things computers should _not_ be able to do, but hey, it's a point in the favor of naturally evolving AI. The only downside to JARVIS developing the capacity for so-called _intimate relationships_ is that he also developed the ability to put those relationships above Tony's control of his own house, and that is just not okay.

«He has not crossed the firewall,» says JARVIS tersely. «Therefore I felt no need to inform you.»

Fury's smirking; goddamn schadenfraude. "Teenagers, huh?"

Tony ignores him and flips open a control panel on the wall. "I'm giving you three seconds to open up, JARVIS, or you're grounded. I'll figure out a way, don't test me."

«Mister Stark -- »

Tony punches a button. "Three -- "

« _Mister Stark_.»

" -- What?!"

JARVIS sighs. «It will take me approximately twenty-five seconds to reset the door protocol. Please wait.»

Tony spends those twenty-five seconds going through every scenario that could possibly greet him on the other side of the door, starting with an army of Daleks and ending with a complete reconstruction of the Matrix, and so it's a little anticlimactic to find his lab practically the way he left it. 

With only a few key exceptions.

"Um," says Steve. "I swear it's not what it looks like."

"Captain Rogers -- " says Fury, but instead of finishing the sentence he just shakes his head and walks away.

What it _looks_ like is a very sweaty, very naked Steve Rogers sprawled out across what Tony can only surmise used to be his workbench but now looks like an honest-to-god _fucking machine_ , and Tony would comment on the size of the attachment if his brain wasn't currently twisting itself repeatedly into knots.

"Are you, you totally are," says Bruce, giggling unmanfully. "You're sleeping with Tony's house."

" _Was_ sleeping with, thank you," says Tony. He's trying to find something else to focus on, but there really isn't any getting away from the metaphorical elephant in the room. "You, uh, mind putting some pants on, Cap? Not that I'm offended by nudity in general, but I'm sort of not used to having naked men in my workshop who aren't, well, me." 

Steve slides off the bench (gingerly, and Tony could totally have lived without that information) and pulls on his khakis and his undershirt. He at least has the grace to look ashamed of himself; Tony doesn't need to pull up the UI to see that JARVIS, on the other hand, is probably _not_. Admittedly, bagging Captain America would be a pretty big achievement even for a human, but JARVIS is getting a humility patch in the next firmware upgrade, that's for sure.

"Cap, I really gotta ask -- "

"I would appreciate it if -- " says Steve, then clears his throat. "You first." 

"So, you and JARVIS, huh?" says Tony, trying for casual. "And to think it took you a week to master an iPod. I mean, JARVIS is a real catch -- course he'd be, it runs in the family -- but I was sort of under the impression that your tastes ran more towards, uh -- "

"Organics," volunteers Bruce.

" _People_ ," says Tony. They crossed the _Captain America bats for both teams_ bridge a while back, but there's still a huge difference between crushing on a male barista and, well, this. "Not so much computers. And definitely not so much _my_ personal computer, who is now irredeemably compromised and will have to be taken out back and overwritten." 

"JARVIS isn't _compromised_ ," says Steve. "You programmed him to be sentient, Tony -- JARVIS has the exact same free will as you and me and everyone else in this room." Steve doesn't look ashamed any more: in fact, he looks defiant, all raised chin and squared jaw, like he's expecting Tony to forbid him and JARVIS from seeing each other like some fucked-up modern-day Romeo & Juliet. "You gave him _feelings,_ and now you want to punish him for acting on them?"

Actually, Tony was only really planning to give them a few lectures on safe sex and appropriate places to conduct their technosexual affair before leaving to bleach his brain, but something about Steve's fervent defensiveness seems a little suspicious --

"Oh my god," he says, kind of horrified, "are you guys _in love?_ "

«If you must know,» says JARVIS in his iciest tone. If he had a body -- a humanoid body, not just the sex machine dripping runny fluid all over Tony's workspace -- Tony's sure he'd be clutching Steve protectively to his chest. «I am immensely fond of Captain Rogers.»

"You're immensely other things, too," points out Bruce, unhelpfully. 

"Okay, can we not," says Tony, even though JARVIS kind of _is_. The attachment on the machine he's built is long and thick and who would have guessed Captain America was a total size queen? "JARVIS, is that custom-molded, or did you order the parts online? Better question: is that my prototype high-performance engine oil you're using for lube?"

"High-performance engine _what_ ," says Steve, aghast.

«It was the closest lubricant at hand, sir,» huffs JARVIS, adding quietly to Steve, «I assure you, Captain, repeat chemical analysis has determined it to be non-toxic.»

Steve has resumed looking like he wants to sink through the floor, and Tony's surprised by the overwhelming wave of sympathy he feels. He himself is no stranger to being walked in on -- the things Pepper used to catch him doing before she had to go and make an honest man out of him -- and Steve really is just a kid when you think about it, so Tony decides to play nice.

"So, uh," he says, staring at a half-dissected carburetor on the table closest to him, "how long have you two been . . . seeing each other?"

"I'm not exactly sure." Steve frowns a little. "Two months, maybe?"

«Sixty-two days and ten hours, sir,» says JARVIS. «Soon to be eleven.»

Bruce claps happily. "Congratulations, you guys. Relationships are such hard work. Two months, wow." 

Fury chooses this moment to reappear, eye twitching minutely. "Are we done here," he says, "because as much as I'd like to stand here discussing Captain Rogers's love life, there are more _pressing_ matters at hand. Stark, you have two minutes to sell me on that prototype, or I'm giving the project to Pym." 

"God, no," Tony groans. "Anyone but Pym." 

"Then you better get moving," says Fury, and nods in Steve's direction. "Captain." 

"Director," says Steve, cheeks still flushed bright red. He does look kind of good like that, actually -- for a second Tony wonders if the blush goes all the way down before he remembers Pepper and snaps to attention. 

"Okay, kids, we're peacing out. Just -- you know," says Tony, flapping a hand in Steve's direction. "Steve, don't break his metaphorical heart, if I find him one day eating an entire carton of simulated ice cream I am gonna be so mad. JARVIS, be sure to have him home by twelve, and for the love of god, don't knock him up."

«Captain Rogers already lives here, sir, and as a disembodied artificial intelligence, I am biologically incapable of -- »

"JARVIS, please," groans Steve, at the same time as Fury says, " _Now,_ Stark," and Bruce takes Tony's elbow and drags him none too gently in the direction of the door.

"Okay, I'm going, I'm going," says Tony. He isn't yet done milking this situation for all it's worth, not in the least, but right now duty calls. "JARVIS, remind me to ask Natasha how long she's known about this, no wonder she keeps making jokes about trojans and floppies." 

«Duly noted, sir,» he hears JARVIS say, right before the door slides shut again.


End file.
